Marvin Kitman

'Titans' titanically trashy

The cast of "Titans"

In this story: Usual soap formula washed up 'Titans' more like sinking ship RELATED STORIES, SITES

(Los Angeles Times) -- "Titans," the new Aaron Spelling hourlong drama series premiering on NBC Wednesday at 8 p.m., is to prime-time soaps what the New York Titans were to pro football. If you've only seen the promos, which won the brass medal for overselling during the Olympics, explaining that it's going to be this season's "guilty pleasure," it's going to be a guilty poison.

Trust me. As bad as the promos made it look, "Titans" is worse. I have one four-letter word for it: "Yech."

"Titans" is so bad, medical authorities suggest before watching that you take extra Vitamin C, gargle, whatever you do to protect your immune system from catching a virulent form of bad programming.

	SCHEDULE
'Titans' premieres October 4 on NBC at 8 p.m. ET

And I'm not one of those pointy-headed intellectuals who always hates Aaron (Soapy) Spelling's trashy soaps. I still miss "Dynasty." Trash TV is our contribution to belles-lettres.

But "Titans" is real trash, if you know what I mean. And if you've read this far, you do.

This exercise in failed 1980s nostalgia is the usual Soapy Spelling formula. It's about filthy rich folks who have everything and are still miserable. Being rich and shameless isn't all it's cracked up to be.

It has the usual Soapy Spelling mix of vintage stars and newcomers. The moth-eaten Perry King is Richard, the fabulously wealthy patriarch of Williams Global Enterprises. As always, Victoria Principal, Bobby Ewing's former wife, is Victoria Principal, this time playing Richard's ex-wife, Gwen. Yasmine Bleeth plays Heather, the traditional conniving slut who is marrying Richard for his money. Be still my Bleething heart.

Casper Van Dien is Chandler the traditional hunk, a 26-year-old Navy fighter pilot, and his father's favorite. Scheming brother Peter (John Barrowman) is the usual jealous sibling. There are also two Williams daughters -- lovelorn, alcoholic Jenny (Elizabeth Bogush) and control freak Laurie (Josie Davis) -- who work at their mom's fabulously successful nightclub.

Stirred into the potboiler for some spice, and to win Brownie points, is Samantha Sanchez (Lourdes Benedicto), Richard's executive assistant, and target of brother Peter's affection.

The Williams are the usual wealthy, dysfunctional family in Beverly Hills. The happily divorced couple have His and Hers twin mansions across the street from each other. It's never explained why. The housing shortage must be acute in Beverly Hills. Neither is it explained why they are so happily divorced.

The plot has the usual love triangles. This time they are isosceles triangles, performed with the symmetry of synchronized Olympic swimmers. The gold medal in synchronized love triangles is won by Heather the slut. Soon to be his father's gold-digging bride, she has already slept with returning war hero Chandler.

It has the usual goopy dialogue. "I don't know how to say this," Chandler says to his future mother-in-law, while they are making whoopee in Maui. "Then don't," Heather says in the opening scene Wednesday. Unfortunately, the dialogue continues.

It has the usual cat fights. The big scene tonight features Heather walking across the street to meet for the first time ex-wife Gwen to borrow a cup of sugar or something. The confrontation is said to have had the crew at the studio saying ``meeeeow.''

I'll take Joan Collins and Linda Evans pulling hair on "Dynasty." These Titaniacs are alley cats compared to those tigers.

Principal, especially, has such terrible lines. Victoria's secret will be that this is all a bad dream. She will wake up and find she's still in Dallas, waiting for Bobby to come out of the shower.

King is luckier. He reportedly is being pushed out of the show by the fifth episode, replaced by his younger brother, played by Jack Wagner ("Melrose Place").

On the positive side, there is one very good trashy scene Wednesday. On her wedding eve, Yasmine, who studied acting in "Baywatch," decides to go for a late-night swim at her condo pool, stepping out of her dress so it won't get wet. She invites her escort Peter to join her. "No thanks," he explains, "I don't swim with sharks."

"Titans" is more like Titanic the ship than the movie. It doesn't work because according to Spelling, it's supposed to be "an over-the-top prime-time soap."

Camp works best when it's serious. You don't want the players laughing up their Donna Karan sleeves. It's the audience that is supposed to think it's funny. It's as if Spelling is trying to co-opt Darren Star's "Grosse Point," which pokes fun at the Spelling oeuvre. My advice is leave the comedy to Darren, Aaron baby.

The biggest joke is that "Titans" is not on Fox or the WB, but on NBC. It's amazing how NBC will manage to go from the ridiculous ("Titans" at 8 p.m.) to the sublime ("West Wing" at 9 p.m.). I hear NBC honcho Garth Ancier had to put down a palace revolt by the young colonels on his staff when he showed them the "Titans" pilot.

They shouldn't have been surprised. Ancier was the champion of that southern-fried turkey "Savannah" on the WB.

"It's not 'West Wing,'" Ancier reportedly said in quelling the revolt. "It's fun."

"Titans" gives fun a bad name.

Kitman is the television critic for New York Newsday. His column appears regularly on CNN Interactive's Entertainment section. E-mail Kitman at MarvinKitmanShow@worldnet.att.net

(c) 2000, Newsday Inc. Distributed by Los Angeles Times Syndicate.

Trashy, titillating, torrid 'Titans' readies to bow
October 3, 2000

NBC

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