When bad things
happen to workers

With Ann Humphries, ETICON

(CNN) -- Last week, we talked about the sort of short-term disruptions that sick calls create during the chilly seasons. This week, we want to turn to some heavier issues that arise in many workplaces.

As closely as we may work with our colleagues, most aren't friends in the life-sharing sense. In fact, conventional wisdom is that it's best not to become too involved with co-workers. And many of us will spend much of our careers trying to find and negotiate that fine line between buddies and associates.

QUICK VOTE

How well would you rate yourself and your co-workers in handling tough personal experiences on your staff?
A. We've pretty much got our act together about this kind of thing where I work.
B. We know what to do but we seem to falter at the end, kind of fade on the execution.
C. We really want to be good to each other, but exhaustion and busy-ness tends to defeat our best efforts.
D. We tend to go overboard, too much sympathy, it's more cloying than supportive.
F. We're just awful at this stuff. No one takes the lead so nothing is ever done for anybody.
View Results

Substance abuse, serious illness, family deaths, miscarriages -- these and similar events can create awkward challenges for everyone concerned.

CNN: We'll let Ann Humphries, president of ETICON, take over here, with some comments, at our request, about the more traumatic difficulties everyone encounters in life and how to respond to them at work.

Ann Humphries: I think the over-arching concepts you want here are compassion and support -- but not melodrama or commiseration.

If you suspect a co-worker is having a problem of substance abuse -- maybe you can smell alcohol on their breath or they're sleeping at work -- you need to follow procedures and document what you're seeing. Develop a history of what's going on. There may be an option of referring the co-worker to a help program.

Long-term illness, believe it or not -- cancer, AIDS, others -- can bring out the best in people. An outpouring of support and energy can result. You sometimes see a staff come together behind someone in very moving ways.

But my advice is to pace yourself. Take shifts. Share the load among workers. Maybe each person takes a month during which he or she will be the main support person from the office for the sick worker -- who, remember, can be easily overloaded by attention and concern.

Cool professionalism is what's wanted, a steady compassion, a reasoned compassion. You're pacing yourself, doing what you can to be supportive, then moving on.

Notes, e-mails, voice mails can be helpful, but only in uplifting tones, watch out for the obituary mode. Not "I'm so grief-stricken about what you're going through" but assurances that your co-worker can make it. If there's a hospital visit to be made, do a short one, never a long one.

Now, this brings us, too, to the question of judgment. Let's say the issue is lung cancer brought on by smoking. The fact is that your co-worker may have gotten her- or himself into this situation. Smoking is addictive and regrettable and your colleague should have stopped, clearly.

Your personal feelings about the illness involved may dictate some of your reaction -- you might elect to show a different level of support. But you don't make a huge thing about that. "Yogi has this disease but BooBoo has that one" -- no, you don't make a harsh distinction.

Cool professionalism is what's wanted, a steady compassion, a reasoned compassion. You're pacing yourself, doing what you can to be supportive, then moving on.

AID AND COMFORT

Many situations in the workplace are uncomfortable because -- as in cases of traumatic experiences and loss -- the events affect co-workers, not family or friends. If you find yourself puzzling over an awkward issue, be sure to let us know so we can consider it for coverage here in Corporate Class. Just use our handy submission form to talk to us. And thanks for sharing your concerns and ideas with us.

The plastic surgeries, by the way -- and here I mean elective cosmetic surgeries, not reconstructive surgeries, of course -- are a little different. You don't have to go overboard on these, they don't require the same compassion. "You look good, glad to have you back" will usually do it.

When the issue is serious, though, remember to say to yourself, "You know I'd love to do all this for my co-worker but I'm human and have only so many resources." Again, pace yourself. Don't overdo your concern to the detriment of your own health and rest and job.

If you're the co-worker making a return to work, don't try to go full-speed at first. If you're having bouts of depression or grouchiness, let your manager know. And as you return to work, you should certainly be grateful to anyone who helped cover for you, but there's no need to grovel.

And if you're a co-worker who's been covering for the sick worker, be careful about discussions of his or her case. As a discipline, I'd say put boundaries around discussions of, say, why someone let his or her health go. In the case of a family tragedy, don't talk about why your colleague would have let his kid drive drunk or whatever.

When the death occurs, everyone at work doesn't have to go to the funeral. Again, you can divide up duties, select someone to represent the group. Remember that a miscarriage is a death. And avoid phrases like, "There's always a reason" and "It was for the best." Instead, you can just say, "Hope you're doing OK."

Anyway you look at it, serious personal crises do affect the group. Even the co-worker who's not sick but has an aging parent who is -- that person needs support. Not advice. Unless advice is asked for, put a lid on it, even if you have to watch someone make their own mistakes. Keep reminding yourself that the setting is a business.

If the issue is a death, make a note on your calendar. On the anniversary of that death, you might want to drop a short note: "Thinking of you today." Very brief, because you're usually talking about family relationships here, which can be tricky. You don't want to get involved, just be supportive.

By the way, if the death is in your family and you get flowers from the office, a single thank-you note does it. No need to send a note to everyone.

Lastly, let's think about the birth of a child with special needs. This sometimes is treated thoughtlessly by co-workers as a negative experience. That's incorrect. This is a child, happiness is in order for this birth. And when the child is old enough to be brought around the office, treat him or her as you would any other kids of your co-workers -- that child's parents will want him or her handled with the same respect and discipline as any other.

The bottom line is that we all have bumps in the road. And keeping that in mind in the career setting is a good way to avoid melodrama, commiseration and other inappropriate workplace responses. Support is the key, professionalism is the context.

Ann Humphries, founder and president of ETICON, Inc. and a Certified Professional Consultant to Management, includes several Fortune 500 companies among her clients. She's been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Fortune and Money, and on CNN, CBS and Lifetime TV. You can contact her at www.eticon.com.

-- Interview, Porter Anderson

Give support, not advice

When bad thingshappen to workers

When bad things
happen to workers