Cubicle-to-cubicle relations

Saying the unsayable to your co-worker

(CNN) -- Your Top 10 may differ in some respects, but based on e-mail we get and what we hear -- and judging from business-etiquette specialist Ann Humphries' experience -- this seems to be a fairly reliable list of key beefs people have about the behavior of their cohorts at work.

•   Loud laughter, loud talking, dialing or checking voice mail on speaker phone, cell phones or beepers going off

•   Not programming voice mail to intercept calls when you're not at your desk

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•   Excessive personal conversation, especially of a confidential nature

•   Foul language

•   Smelly food, smelly cologne or perfume, bad breath

•   Eavesdropping

•   Interrupting someone while he or she is on the phone; hovering

•   Meetings in cubicles, group projects there (otherwise known as cubicle-stuffing); especially if it's your cubicle

•   Drumming pencils, smacking gum, playing CDs without headphones, whistling or singing

•   Excessively personalizing your workspace

CNN: Fed up with so many irritations, but hoping not to hurt our co-workers in the process of saying something, we all piled into Ann Humphries' cubicle at ETICON to find out how to handle these tricky situations.

Ann Humphries:First of all, how do you get the word out about these things? Print that list and post it? Sorry we have to be so specific about these unpleasant things, but it just helps.

The next thing to realize is that few of these things, especially taken alone, are that big a deal. There will always be random acts of rudeness and we all have occasional lapses.

Of course, if you're the target of an affront that feels unsafe, alert your company. Never put yourself into what might be an unsafe situation. But for garden-variety irritations, take it in stages.

•   Once, let it go.

•   A second time, take notice.

•   If it happens a third time, this is when you start documenting it.

But before things get to that third time, you want to try to defuse the situation directly. One of the most important aspects of your approach has to be credibility. The more specific you can be, the better. Instead of saying, "You're loud," try, "The other morning when you were talking to Jason, I heard every detail -- the shipping problem, the invoice, you told this joke and that."

Be as specific as you can be without needling. Deliver this in a neutral voice. Just as with a compliment, the more specific it is the more real it becomes.

Another concept to consider is going at this as a group, not as an individual. Start by gathering your group. "Does it bother you, too, when BooBoo has that smelly lunch?" What you're doing here isn't gossip. Your intent is to do something about the behavior that's bothering everybody. Take two steps: One, get confirmation from your co-workers; two, see if you can develop with them some strategies -- is there an easy way to make the problem less difficult, like getting upwind of BooBoo's lunch?

The team can then go to a supervisor if necessary. And this is often a moment for a supervisor to have some backbone. A really disturbing workplace behavior can be tantamount to robbing the company of productivity. It needs to be handled.

Remember it's good to alert a supervisor early if you think there's a problem. That way, your supervisor won't be blindsided if things come to a head. "By the way, I'm having some trouble with Sandra's cologne, just wanted to mention it."

Now, if you've made a careful approach to your co-worker and explained that something is a problem for you -- and you've gotten a hostile response ("Mind your own business") -- don't be bullied. Remember that if you've done the proper soul-searching and have decided to bring up the problem, you have a right to do so.

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	It's OK, we won't mind if you let us know what drives you crazy at work. We might use your note to select a topic here in Corporate Class, as we used a reader's comments to us for inspiration this week. Try our handy submission form.

Now, what if you're on the receiving end of something like this? The nicest way you might hear a hint is in the form of, "Let me clue you in on something." This tone is that of someone who's your mentor, your coach. I've appreciated hearing things from people like this at times. Maybe not fun but good to know. When you receive well-delivered criticism, remember that it can be hard for the person to say something, too. Try not to shoot the messenger, and try to listen for the truth in what's being said to you.

Whether you're the person getting or giving the comment, try not to let either side be mad. This is something between colleagues, not friends. Maintain some professional distance.

And lastly, remember to offer some encouragement or praise when they rectify the problem. Don't go overboard. Just acknowledge, thank -- show some appreciation.

Ann Humphries, founder and president of ETICON, Inc. and a Certified Professional Consultant to Management, includes several Fortune 500 companies among her clients. She's been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Fortune and Money, and on CNN, CBS and Lifetime TV. You can contact her at www.eticon.com.

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ETICON, Inc.

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