Addressing the issue: Honorifics at work

With Ann Humphries, ETICON

(CNN) -- You never miss the rules until you throw them away.

And as social custom moves toward less and less formality, you may find yourself occasionally wondering how to address someone, what's expected, what's considered proper.

CNN: When we addressed the issue with ETICON's Ann Humphries, she had a thorough and well-researched response waiting.

Ann Humphries: This becomes a rather technical column because it's an American cultural issue. For the most part, people in the United States aren't pompous about titles. But we all want to handle these things well in public life -- we don't want to look limited or shallow or provincial.

The thing is that there aren't a lot of easy rules on these things. It's like cooking something complex: You've done it before but you couldn't do it again without looking at the recipe. Even being in my line of work, I have to consult guides every now and then on these things. And I'm comparing points in six etiquette books right now -- they split right down the middle on several things.

So let's get to some specifics.

QUICKVOTE Do you think we've given up something important by becoming less formal in our business dealings? Yes. We should address each other more formally. Unsure. I like informality but it tends to lower the bar. No, formality in biz is a relic. Let it go. View Results

•   Suppose you're writing to someone and you're unsure of the gender (say the first name is Pat or Chris). Or let's say you don't know if you should use the first or last name. Try using both names: "Dear Jan Thomas."

•   When speaking to people, you have to use your judgment. People have different preferences on this and they don't wear signs announcing those preferences -- "Call me Ann" or "Call me Ms. Humphries." You'll find that even with someone you might refer to by a last name in company, you can address by first name in private, when talking away from other people.

Of course there are times when maybe your initial relationship with someone was rather formal and it's just fun to stick with surnames.

•   One specific relationship worth mentioning here is doctor and patient. I like it when medical practices ask on their patient information forms how patients would like to be addressed. On one hand, you may feel you don't want to be personal friends with your physician. But on the other hand, a first-name basis may help him or her remember you better the next time you're there for treatment.

•   In formal situations, on official occasions -- when doing something in which you represent not only yourself but also the company -- get away from nicknames. Not "Binky" but "Amanda." Not "Bubba" but "Robert."

•   On an envelope, you should always use a title. So let's say that you're unsure whether to use "Ms." or "Mrs." or even "Mr." in the case of one of those names used by both men and women. Consider using "M." I like this. It's shorter and goes either way -- male or female, married or single.

•   Now, when it comes to "ma'am" or "sir," I recommend only limited use in business circles. These are poor substitutes for people's names. You need to take the time to say "Mrs. Smith" or "Mr. Jones." I don't like the default to "ma'am" or "sir." It's depersonalizing.

Particularly in the South -- but in other areas, too -- we're used to hearing "ma'am" and "sir" used by younger people. From age 18 to 22, you're in a practice season. Once you're 25 in a non-military setting, "sir" and "ma'am" are distracting. Once you're in the workplace and functioning as an independent adult, go ahead and make the adjustment.

•   When in doubt, "Ms." is fine. If someone asks for "Mrs." or even "Miss," you can change it in your database, but let "Ms." be your default for women.

•   The rules of address for elected officials present special issues. For example, once someone has served as a state or national senator, he or she always is addressed by title. The same for judges and state governors. When writing them, it's appropriate to address them as "The Honorable."

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•   Presidents are properly addressed as "Mr." after leaving office (and eventually there will be a "Ms."), although Jimmy Carter, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton are frequently referred to as the chief executive as a courtesy these days, particularly in media interviews. The most accurate form is "Former President Carter," for example, or "Mr. Carter."

•   You don't generally call former members of houses of representatives by their titles once they've left office.

•   On the local scale, in the cases of, say, municipal or county council members, use titles and "The Honorable" while they're in office, but not after they leave. Mayors tend to be an exception, as do judges -- they retain their honorifics. Magistrates tend to lose the honorifics once they've left their positions.

•   When writing names on invitations, the higher title in a couple comes first. "The Rev. Dr. Michelle Jones and Mr. Greg Jones," for example, because here the wife has the higher status.

•   If two people you're inviting together aren't married, you don't use the word "and" and you put their names on separate lines. You can choose to honor same-sex partners with the "and" if you like, depending on how you see the relationship.

And remember that when you travel internationally, you should expect to find that almost any culture uses more formal titles and surnames than the American culture does.

Next week: Confidentiality at work.

South Carolina Gov. Jim Hodges has named Ann Humphries, founder and president of ETICON Inc., one of seven South Carolina Women of Achievement. Humphries, who's based in Columbia, is a Certified Professional Consultant to Management. Her clients have included several Fortune 500 companies. She's been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Fortune and Money, and on CNN, CBS and Lifetime TV. You can contact her at www.eticon.com.

-- Interview, Porter Anderson