Megan: Recovering from alcoholism

Megan joined the CNN.com chat room from South Carolina to discuss how a new treatment is helping her struggle against alcoholism. This chat followed the Sunday showing of CNN Presents' "Wasted," a special on alcoholism, America's legal drug problem.

CNN: Thank you for joining us today, Megan, and welcome.

MEGAN: Hi!

CNN: Can you tell us a little bit about what your life was like before treatment?

MEGAN: A mess... It got pretty out of control right before... well, not RIGHT before, but the last year before. It had been bad, but got a lot worse. A lot I don't remember. Just everything... I didn't do much but drink. I couldn't hold a job, it just wasn't a life.

EXTRA INFORMATION CNN Presents   Wasted: America's legal drug problem     RESOURCES Transcript: 'Wasted: America's legal drug problem'

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Megan, now that you have been clean what is your greatest joy in life?

MEGAN: Hmmm... probably family, getting them back.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: When you relapse, what goes through your mind at the moment of that first drink?

MEGAN: Actually, it's kind of like denial, I guess. I just don't think... well, obviously, I think about it, but I just do it. It's very impulsive. Then afterwards, of course, I feel terribly guilty. It's impossible to know when those urges will come. It's hard to predict them.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Megan, you go girl! How did you hear about this program?

MEGAN: It was from my cousin Sterling, and she just happened to pick up "The Catalyst," the Medical University of South Carolina newspaper. She says she never picks one up, but happened to. She read about it, and called my mom. There was just nowhere else to turn. Nothing else was working. I thank God that she did. I ended up going to Charleston probably 3 days later.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Does drinking affect your employment?

MEGAN: It did, yes, very much. Towards the end, especially. When I was drinking pretty heavily, I guess I was 21, 22, I held a job for 3 1/2 years, but probably my relationship with the managers, -- we were friends -- I think that's why they kept me. I don't think another place would have put up with so much. They would send me to go get alcohol when we closed. Every night, if I was sweeping the restaurant, which I usually did, I was always drinking wine at the time. I felt like something was missing if I wasn't drinking while I cleaned.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Megan, is this program available to drug addicts too or just alcoholics?

MEGAN: This one in particular is for alcoholics, but MUSC has a lot of studies, in a lot of different categories. There are some for drug use, but I'm not exactly sure what they are, but different studies come out all the time.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Do you still experience guilt concerning behavior from past drinking episodes?

MEGAN: Yes. Very much, a lot. Mostly from things I did, my family, my little sister still has not... I don't know how to say it... she's still very angry with me. That's pretty much the biggest, losing friendships.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Are there any side effects to the medications?

MEGAN: Yeah... there were a few. For the first, I guess week or so, I felt pretty nauseous, not like I'd throw up or anything, but just mildly nauseous, to where I didn't want to eat anything. That's mostly what troubled me. But besides that, it went away, and I started to get back to... well, I didn't really know what normal was... but I felt okay again.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Megan, now that you are sober, what your plans and your dreams for the rest of your life?

MEGAN: I go day by day. I guess, after all of this, I'm real cautious now about my dreams. It's hard to explain, but when I was 16, I had all these ideas of what I'd be, married, successful job, kids maybe. I never in my life imagined that I still would not have finished college, and that I'd be an alcoholic. No one wants to envision that. Now I'm going to school, and I made an A in my first class. Really, I just want to live like what I think is normal. Get married.... I just want to be happy.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: How did the drinking make you feel? Like you could handle your life better? Fight off stress/depression/impending doom? Why exactly did you drink?

MEGAN: It started.... at first I didn't realize exactly what it was. A lot was to wash away all the problems I had, instead of handling them. A lot of times if I felt antsy, I'd drink to feel better. It really made me feel normal, what I thought of as normal. It creates a kind of euphoric effect. If you know that with a few drinks you'll feel much, much better, then you pretty much rationalize it.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Did your depression lessen while taking the medication?

MEGAN: Actually, I don't know if it had anything to with getting off the alcohol, but it tended, when I started taking it, the depression increased some. I had taken anti-depressants for years before I started this program, and I don't know if it was finally wearing off, and it just coincided with me taking this medicine, but there were days when I didn't want to leave the apartment at all. A little social phobia. It was tough.

CNN: How has your social life changed since you have been in treatment?

MEGAN: It's changed in that I'll stay home on a Friday night, and not go crazy. I pretty much, and it sounds terrible, but I have no social life. Until I can get through the day by day, then the next step is socializing and staying sober. I'm terrified to go to a party, especially if everyone is drinking there. I stay away from it. I feel very alone a lot of times, and I hate that. I hope I'll start to get my life together, and will meet people that don't drink, and that I can have real fun with, instead of just drinking.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Why do you think there's so much stigma attached to being an alcoholic?

MEGAN: Just... not knowing enough about it. I mean, it's just been pretty recently that they've discovered all this, the physiology of it, how the body reacts to it, how the brain of an alcoholic reacts differently to a stimuli like alcohol, versus someone who's not. I want to say it's a lack of being informed, but I guess if you're not there, and never had to deal with it, it's hard to really know what it's like. If I wasn't, there might be a tendency for me to judge, too. But really, I think it's starting to where people are more aware that it's not just a choice, and it's not that you're wanting to be a bad person.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Megan, why in the beginning did you not feel Alcoholics Anonymous would work for you?

MEGAN: I guess I had gone before... if I had been really gung-ho about it, you never know. I never got a sponsor, and wasn't fully committed to the program. It takes a full commitment, and no wavering as far as the drinking. If there's one meeting a night, then what happens in the other 11 hours in the day when you're not in a meeting? It's tough to stay sober when you can't always get to a meeting right then. I'm very impulsive. Then I'd feel guilty, and wouldn't go to a meeting. But I think I'm going to try it again in the near future.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: How deep did you go into other drugs?

MEGAN: I did. I never had a problem, though. I did some cocaine, mostly when I was drinking. But it never got out of control. When I came here and didn't do it anymore, it didn't bother me at all. I wasn't doing it every day, maybe a couple of times a week, if that much. It never really got too out of control, I guess.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Do you worry that alcoholism is hereditary and you could have children who are at risk for alcoholism?

MEGAN: You know what, I honestly have never even thought about that. Now that I do, it's a big concern. I guess being an alcoholic, I would probably recognize the signs real quickly. I don't know if that would make much of a difference, but I know... I don't know how to say this. Yeah, I guess I'd be understanding, but I'd feel that I'd at least try to nip it in the bud real fast. Maybe, when they went to middle school, high school, I'd tell them, what I'd gone through, and maybe persuade them not to.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Megan, it takes a lot of courage to go on camera and share your struggle - I want to thank you for doing the show.

MEGAN: Thank you for saying that. It was very hard.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: How many drinks does it take you to get a buzz?

MEGAN: It used to take me at least, well, shot-wise, it would take me at least six drinks. Toward the end, it was a lot more than that. It's hard to keep track when you're drinking it straight from the bottle.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Did you ever find out if your medications were a placebo or not?

MEGAN: No, I did not. I won't know for about 2 or 2 1/2 years, because they're continuing the study now. Until all the data is in, they can't tell me whether or not I was. But they said they'd mail me something in 2 years, to tell me that the information is available if I want to find out.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: How long do they want you to stay on your medications?

MEGAN: I'm through... I can't take the medication after the study.

CNN: Do you have any final thoughts for us?

MEGAN: I thank everyone for your support, and I hope this got through to some people out there and made a difference. That's why I did it.

CNN: Thank you for joining us today.

MEGAN: Thank you.

Megan joined the CNN.com chat room by telephone and CNN provided a typist. This is an edited transcript of the chat which took place on Sunday, August 19, 2001.