Author Richard Carlson: How men can avoid 'sweating the small stuff'

Richard Carlson is the author of the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" series of books. He holds a Ph.D in psychology, and is considered an expert in stress reduction and happiness. He joined the CNN.com chat room from New York on Thursday, September 06, 2001.

CNN: Good morning Richard Carlson and welcome.

RICHARD CARLSON: Hi everybody! I'm happy to talk to you today from New York City.

CNN: Your latest book is "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Men" -- why do men need this book?

CARLSON: Must you ask? :) Men often wear stress almost like a badge of honor, somehow believing that it's a good thing. And while there are certainly some aspects to stress that are advantageous, there are far more problems than there are advantages. For example, stress is a big turnoff to other people. Think about it. Who wants to spend time with someone who claims they have no time for themselves, much less anyone else, and someone who is constantly rushing around, frantic, and wishing he were or needing to be somewhere different? Secondly, there are the obvious health risks associated with stress, as well as pure lifestyle issues to deal with.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: So what do you mean by "small stuff"?

CARLSON: Small stuff is easiest to define when compared with the "big stuff." When your children don't have enough to eat, somebody breaks into your house, you lose your job, or there's a death to someone you love -- that's big stuff. Most, but not all, other things fall into the "small stuff" category. They are, in retrospect, nothing more than hassles of day-to-day living.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Isn't a certain amount of stress positive?

CARLSON: Absolutely. But we take it way too far. I'm often asked before I give a lecture by the person who hired me to be sure that I don't say anything that would de-motivate the audience. And I always chuckle, because most people, especially men, have plenty of stress and tension to spare.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: I think it's a good think to wear stress like a badge of honor. It's the difference between women and men. :]

CARLSON: I suppose it would depend on whom you talk to. I can tell you, however, that the vast numbers of women I've spoken to and addressed this specific question to over the years think of men who take stress to extremes to be self-centered, obnoxious, arrogant, and non-interesting. Not to mention, women have just as much stress, if not more, than men, so what's the point of wearing it on your sleeve?

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Do you feel that women roll with the punches better than men?

CARLSON: Not necessarily. Women commiserate with their friends about their stress more freely, whereas men brag about their stress to strangers more freely.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Why do men stress, Mr. Carlson?

CARLSON: The degree of small stuff stress that a person experiences is entirely dependent upon one's perspective. It's all relative. There are approximately 40,000 children who starve to death every day of the year. Many of us, however, stress out because someone pulled in front of us on the expressway. Go figure.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: It seems like the more I tell my boyfriend NOT to sweat the small stuff, the more he does! How do you suggest we break that cycle?

CARLSON: Being lighthearted, non-reactive, happy and relatively easy-going is, in my opinion, more contagious than the flu. So, the best way to teach is by one's example. If you can demonstrate to your boyfriend that you don't see life as one giant emergency, he may very well in time begin to believe that himself.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Is stress release best accomplished by physical recreation, mental relaxation, or are both necessary?

CARLSON: Preferably both would be ideal. Personally, I love to exercise, but given the necessity of choosing between a jog, for example, or fifteen minutes of meditation, I would personally choose the latter. So, how about a little of both?

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Should stress management be taught in school?

CARLSON: In my opinion, yes! It's extremely intriguing to me, as a father of two school-aged children, to notice that virtually every serious and disheartening issue that comes up in school and later in life has to do with stress. However, not one minute of one day is spent teaching kids how to handle it.

CNN: Can you give us just a couple of tips for stress management?

CARLSON: A good preventive tip is to remember that the fantasy of something is often much better than the reality. In other words, we imagine that something is going to make our life better, more fulfilling, or more exciting, when in reality, all it will do (or all it may do) is bring us more financial or time-oriented stress. Knowing this can help you prevent from making all sorts of bad decisions.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Do you think men tend to perceive stress negatively because of a need to feel in control?

CARLSON: I think men generally perceive of stress as, number one, a good thing, because it gives them an edge, and number two, as entirely inevitable. Personally, I disagree to a large extent with both of these assumptions.

CHAT PARTICIPANT: Is it the "pulling out in front of us on the freeway" that causes stress, or is that not just a trigger for underlying buildup?

CARLSON: Your trigger analogy is far closer to the truth, and I'll tell you why. A person who is calm, happy, and at ease will not be even slightly affected by the person pulling in front of him on the freeway. However, a person who feels tense and stressed out will become enraged by the identical circumstance.

CNN: Do you have any final thoughts for us today?

CARLSON: When we look back on our lives someday, very few of us will be saying, "Gee! I wish I had been more uptight during my lifetime!" Instead, we will wish that we had spent more time in a less stressed out state of mind. That is my wish for men throughout the world.

CNN: Thanks for joining us today, Richard Carlson!

CARLSON: God bless you all, and thanks for joining me.

Richard Carlson joined CNN.com via telephone from New York. CNN provided a typist. The above is an edited transcript of the interview on Thursday, September 06, 2001.