Review: 'Sweethearts' generic from get-go

By Paul Tatara
CNN Reviewer

(CNN) -- It's been hypothesized that modern movies are so poorly constructed because the people who run today's studios have no hands-on screenwriting or directorial experience. "America's Sweethearts," a film industry satire starring John Cusack, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julia Roberts, and Billy Crystal, remedies that situation -- to a degree.

Joe Roth, who directed the movie, is also the head of Revolution Studios, the brand new company that financed it. Unfortunately, Roth directs the way a film executive thinks. He relies on mega-watt movie star charm to smooth over a stringently so-so script.

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This is actually Roth's second directorial effort. The first is a forgettable 1990 Daniel Stern comedy called "Coupe de Ville." Like its predecessor, "America's Sweethearts" is generic from the get-go. It only rises above the commonplace when Roberts and Cusack share the screen. But, even then, there's a monotony to the scenes, a sense that you've seen it all before and will probably be seeing it again before the movie's over.

Roberts is Kiki Harrison, the put-upon personal assistant to Gwen Harrison (Zeta-Jones), a beautiful, spoiled movie star who also happens to be Kiki's sister. Gwen and her actor husband, Eddie Thomas (Cusack), are a wildly popular screen duo, but they're going through a difficult break-up. Gwen has unceremoniously dumped Eddie and latched onto their thick-tongued Spanish co-star, Hector (Hank Azaria.) Eddie, who seems like a decent enough guy, is thrown into a tailspin by the sudden collapse of his marriage. As the story opens, he's in a New Age mental health clinic, receiving self-help instructions from a nonsense-spewing therapist (Alan Arkin, in an amusing cameo.)

Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, Lee Phillips (Billy Crystal, who co-wrote the script with Peter Tolan), the couple's publicist, has been recruited by a panicked studio head (Stanley Tucci) to throw up a smoke screen at an upcoming press junket. Gwen and Eddie's latest film is being held hostage by its radical hippie director (Christopher Walken, in another funny cameo.) He refuses to show it to anyone until it's unveiled for the gathered press. That means scores of TV reporters will be holed up for a long weekend, waiting for the film to arrive. They'll have nothing to do but interview Gwen and Eddie, which will almost certainly reveal a nasty vibe. Lee's job is to make sure the two stars seem like they're still good friends despite their very public falling out.

Once the junket gets underway at a secluded hotel, it becomes obvious that Kiki (who's recently lost 60 pounds and discovered her inner-Julia Roberts) is smitten with poor, freaked-out Eddie. Though Kiki spends her day making sure Gwen is continuously pampered and mollified, she prays that Eddie will see her sister for the self-serving bitch that she is.

Why Eddie hasn't already gotten his fill of Gwen is one of the movie's great mysteries. A lot has been made of Roberts turning down the larger role in favor of gentle, loving Kiki, but it's basically a no-brainer. Zeta-Jones spends the entire picture in a whimpering huff, taking advantage of everyone around her. She's so consistently unpleasant, you half wish that Eddie's fantasy of shooting Gwen full of holes would come true and end the story on a high note.

The script is full of half-considered character stances. Crystal's Lee is a mess of contradictions. One minute he's covering up Gwen and Eddie's shattered relationship, then he's leaking it -- in excessively embarrassing ways -- to the national media. It's all, he says, in the name of free publicity, even though it's been established that the last thing the film he's promoting needs is that kind of exposure. Tucci also vacillates between hiding his stars' personal problems and growing giddy with excitement when they're uncovered.

You get the feeling Roth was shooting for a sort of screwball comedy breathlessness in the latter part of the film, but he hasn't got the rhythm to pull it off. Azaria shows up at the hotel, spitting out dialogue in nearly unintelligible broken English, and diving for Eddie's throat. All hell is supposed to be breaking loose from there on out, but it's nowhere near as hellish as thinking that a nice guy like Eddie is actually trying to win back such a conniving, unlikable manipulator.

Crystal is a brilliant live performer and a fine comic actor. But "My Giant," "Forget Paris," "City Slickers II," "Mr. Saturday Night," and "Memories of Me," should be enough proof that he's only a mediocre a screenwriter. Team him up with a film executive who's not much of a director, and the end result is an especially rickety romantic comedy. Even America's real-life sweethearts can't save it.

"America's Sweethearts" contains a bit of profanity, of course, and one ineffective sight gag hinging on masturbation. Whatever you do, don't expect a film-world skewering as sharp as "The Player" or "Barton Fink."

"America's Sweethearts" opens nationwide on Friday, July 20, and is rated "PG-13."