You go, girls! Trips for mothers and daughters

By Eileen Ogintz
Tribune Media Services

(Tribune Media Services) -- Pam and Amanda Lynd were just settling into their tent in the middle of an African game preserve when 17-year-old Amanda suddenly remembered she'd forgotten something important: a Mother's Day gift for her mom.

"I told her taking this trip together in Africa was all the present I needed," said Pam, a single mom and hardware-store owner from suburban Columbus, Ohio.

Pam had planned the Mother's Day Abercrombie & Kent Safari as a high school graduation present for her daughter, an avid photographer, not realizing how much of a gift the trip would be for herself.

"At home we were leaving each other notes, because it seemed with our schedules, we hardly saw each other," Pam said. "In Africa I had her undivided attention -- away from her boyfriend, the phone and e-mail -- and she had mine."

North Carolina graphic designer Kathleen Laughlin talked her 16-year-old daughter, Danielle, into joining her on an Outward Bound backpacking course for the same reason.

"You can get so caught up in day-to-day living and not connect with your kids," said Laughlin, who was thrilled when Danielle made the trip the subject of her college-entrance essay. "You go home with something you can carry with you forever."

Female bonding

More and more, adventurous moms and daughters are challenging themselves, strengthening their relationships and maybe even learning a little family history as they share adventures away from home and the rest of the family.

Most of these trips aren't as exotic as an African safari or as rigorous as an Outward Bound course, but they are equally rewarding. Mother-daughter duos are learning to sail, honing their skiing skills, unwinding at luxurious spas, and shopping and museum-hopping in Europe or New York.

"The trip really changed our relationship," said Amanda Lynd, now a college freshman in Colorado. "Sometimes I was able to lead the way, and we started to relate as people, not just mother and daughter."

Amanda said she and her mom also shared a lot of laughs on the trip, especially when an elephant tried to elbow his way into their tent, and when a baboon tried to share their outdoor shower.

The young women of today are more active and adventurous than ever before, so they can use mother-daughter trips to encourage their moms to try new and different things, said New York City psychiatrist Gail Saltz, an assistant professor at Weill Cornell Medical College and an expert on women's issues. These trips also let mothers show their daughters a different side of themselves.

"Because of my mom's interests and knowledge about art, we were able to have adventures that I would never have alone," said Boston public-television producer Melanie Wallace, who has traveled abroad several times with her 75-year-old mother.

Besides, when else can mothers and daughters focus entirely on themselves during vacation?

"We didn't have to explain to the guys in the family why we went to 32 leather stores in Florence," psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler said with a laugh. She called the week she recently spent in Italy with her daughter the most stress-free vacation she'd ever taken.

Make trips stress-free

Cohen-Sandler, the author of "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict" (Penguin USA, 2000), says the key to mother-daughter adventures is making them as stress-free as possible by setting realistic expectations for what will be achieved.

A trip together won't magically heal a troubled relationship or a rift with a teen who refuses to be seen in public with you. "If that's the case, wait a few years," said Saltz, the psychiatrist.

Just don't wait until it's too late. Cheryl Lee is glad she didn't.

"I had a million reasons why I shouldn't go, but I looked at my mother's face and saw how much she wanted me to go, so I took time off from school," said Lee, an elementary school principal in San Francisco.

Their recent Panama Canal cruise was especially poignant, because it made Lee realize how her mom was aging. "You always think of your mother the way she was when you were young," Lee said. "But this time, I was taking care of her. And it felt good."

(C) 2001 Eileen Ogintz. Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.