Naughty or nice? Presents for politicians

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(CNN) -- 'Twas the night before Christmas, but this year enough political creatures are stirring to keep all of Washington awake. Santa Claus dropped by "Crossfire" to tell us which politicians have been naughty and which have been nice. He joined hosts Paul Begala and Tucker Carlson for a rather unusual holiday gift exchange.

BEGALA: May I call you Santa? Is it Mr. Claus or Santa?

SANTA: Dr. Claus.

BEGALA: Dr. Claus. Let's get right to it. You're here making your stop in Washington, a town full of politicians. What are you going to give Trent Lott?

SANTA: Trent Lott? What am I going to give? A shoehorn for Trent Lott.

CARLSON: Why?

SANTA: Why? To get him out of this fix.

BEGALA: He did sort of put his foot in his mouth.

CARLSON: That's true. And actually we're going to attach to that a Kwanzaa card so he can celebrate his new favorite holiday.

BEGALA: You know what he really needs is some sort of a device to pull all those knives out of his back that his friends are putting in there. It's the Republicans who have been so rough on poor Senator Lott.

CARLSON: Poor Senator Lott. Now speaking of people who deserve our pity if not contempt, what are you giving to Al Gore?

SANTA: Al Gore, we have an Emmy. This is for his spectacular performance on "Saturday Night Live," and his presidential performance, keeping it a secret until the last minute.

CARLSON: Do you think at some point he'll play himself?

BEGALA: That's impressive. No, who this actually should go to is George W. Bush who is pretending to be the president even though Al Gore won the election. That's a fine acting job by Mr. Bush.

CARLSON: Keep telling yourself that.

SANTA: Al Gore has been playing a variety of parts for decades.

BEGALA: You know, what about George W. Bush, the current occupant of the Oval Office? What is he getting from you, Santa?

SANTA: How about a wrench? What is he going to use this for? To plug the leaks in the White House.

BEGALA: Ah.

CARLSON: Oh, fantastic.

SANTA: They're plaguing him.

CARLSON: He might also use it to convince Trent Lott to leave the leadership post, you know.

SANTA: There are other things you can do with a wrench.

BEGALA: Nixon had a problem with plumbers, too. He had Haldeman and Ehrlichman and Chuck Colson and plugging leaks.

The leaks are probably deliberate though.

CARLSON: From perhaps future presidents and current presidents to past presidents and presidential contenders, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole.

SANTA: Well, for Bill Clinton and Bob Dole, Santa has tea and cookies. Why? Because they're going to be the leaders of the Senate Wives' Club. And they're going to have to learn to serve tea and cookies to all the senators, like good Senate wives always have done.

CARLSON: Has anybody warned the Senate wives?

BEGALA: I hope there is a vicious negative campaign between Clinton and Dole to be the president of the Senate Spouse's Club. I'll enlist. I'll come back out of retirement as a political consultant. Make negative ads. Bob Dole says he'll have nice cookies and tea but what Bob Dole doesn't tell you -- wouldn't that be great? -- he's slipping Viagra into your Lipton iced tea, ladies.

CARLSON: Well, can they do a Viagra ad together? That would be the product.

BEGALA: But they're both great guys and it's nice you thought of them. How about a guy, one of the toughest jobs in America? Tom Ridge, our director of homeland security.

SANTA: Director of Homeland Security. I actually get signals from the Department of Homeland Security in my hat. Santa can't be too careful. Here we have a selection of 96 colors of crayons to determine the alert level for every day.

BEGALA: Outstanding.

CARLSON: Santa, maybe you can tell us what the Magenta alert is.

SANTA: The Magenta alert is: be nervous.

CARLSON: Be nervous?

SANTA: Today, however, it's Christmas -- it's only Beige.

BEGALA: Beige.

CARLSON: Tomorrow being Teal.

BEGALA: Or Red and Green.

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