Psychologist: How to balance career, children

Dr. Laraine T. Zappert says both working and stay-at-home mothers suffer from guilt associated with their decisions about careers.

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(CNN) -- "Babies vs. Career," Time magazine's April 15 cover story, sparked a new debate among women about how to combine professional and family lives.

The article focused on writer Sylvia Ann Hewlett's research and her book, "Creating a Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children," which argues women should have kids early before embarking on careers or they may end up childless.

Dr. Laraine T. Zappert, a Stanford University psychologist, tackles the issue in her book, "Getting It Right: How Working Mothers Successfully Take Up the Challenge of Life, Family, and Career." Using case studies from hundreds of professional women spanning in age from 20 to 65, Zappert seeks to provide solutions to women.

CNN's Meriah Doty interviewed Zappert about this balancing act.

CNN: Hewlett proposes in her book that women who plan to have both a successful professional life and children should pursue motherhood and marriage before pursuing a career. How do you feel about this perspective? How could this affect the thinking of young women who want to "have it all"?

MORE STORIES Fertility decline underscores dilemma    EXTRA INFORMATION Read the Time magazine cover story Babies vs. Career

ZAPPERT: While I doubt there is a professional woman in America today who is not aware of the biological clock, I think the realities of fertility horizons are probably not as well understood as they should be. Does this mean that women should have their children before they embark upon a career? Not necessarily.

Our research suggests that there are lots of ways women can and do combine their personal and professional lives. The women we studied in "Getting It Right" offer some pretty creative strategies, advice and encouragement for women struggling with questions of how to maintain a career, a family and basic sanity.

From our Stanford study of more than 300 professional women, several things seem pretty clear: There is no "best way" for all women. Deciding on the best time to have children was really an individual issue. We had very successful women who had their children early and then went back to school or the work force and other similarly successful women who got their credentials and some measure of work experience under their belt before starting a family.

Obviously keeping an eye on the biological clock also figures into this equation. ... Success at both depends on the circumstances: Raising both a healthy family and having a professional career depends on certain critical life circumstances, including the woman's desire to do both; her family's composition; her work situation; her partner -- if there is one; her support and financial resources as well as her physical and psychological health.

Is it hard to do both? Yes. Is it impossible? Absolutely not. Do you want to do both? That depends. The women in our study who were in the workplace the longest were the most positive about the results of balancing career and family. Whether one wants to do both and how best to go about it is a question that can only be answered individually.

CNN: Should lawmakers and corporations become more accommodating to women with children? How?

ZAPPERT: Concerns about raising healthy families are of paramount importance to all parents, not just women. Increasingly both men and women are recognizing the importance of active participation in the lives of their children. In order to retain a productive and competitive work force, issues related to family well-being must be part of the overall employment picture.

CNN: What are some realistic solutions for working mothers who strive to attain a top position in their field?

ZAPPERT: We asked the mothers in "Getting It Right" what they would do differently if they had to do it over again. Here are the top five things they recommend:

While No. 3 and No. 5 may seem contradictory, on closer inspection what these women are recommending is that, as professionals, we don't waste time in jobs that don't provide the opportunities to learn important and usable skill sets. Having these skills increase options for flexibility and autonomy in the workplace, a very important consideration when integrating personal and professional goals.

CNN: What advice would you give a young career woman who envisions herself with a career and children? Should she have to choose between the two?

ZAPPERT: If you want to have kids and have a career, don't let anyone talk you out of it -- or into it either, for that matter. The vast majority, 98 percent of the mothers we studied, said it was absolutely the best experience of their lives. These are some of the most career-committed women in America, and they were willing to make choices that put their children first. There will be sacrifices along the way, and trade-offs are a definite part of the equation.

But knowing that not everything needs to happen at the same time, and that priorities can change over time, can be a potent ally in finding balance. The work sheets in "Getting It Right" were developed to allow women to assess their own family and career needs and come up with the solutions that were right for their unique situations.

CNN: Do you think many women have bought into a myth -- that they can achieve their career goals before starting a family?

ZAPPERT: Clinically, I would have to say that for many professional women the timing of children concerns more than just career considerations. When is the right time to have a child is often determined by when women feel they have found the right partner to parent with as well as when they feel emotionally and financially able to do so. Clearly, recognizing realistic limits of fertility is a very important consideration.

CNN: What are the biggest challenges an ambitious professional woman faces when she wants to have children?

ZAPPERT: Guilt! What we found was that guilt was the cost of doing or not doing business for professional women. No one was immune to it. If one decided to stay at home with children, there was some measure of guilt associated with "not using your education." As one mother described it, "I spent $100,000 going to law school, and all I really want to do is sit at Gymboree with my daughter."

Alternatively, mothers who continued to work were plagued with guilt that somehow they were shortchanging their families. Working moms often experience what I've called "driveway remorse." Leaving home and seeing your child waving goodbye to you and saying to yourself, "Why am I doing this? The most important person in my life is standing behind that window, and here I am going to meet a client."

It helps to know that there are some battles we just can't win for trying, and as a psychologist I felt compelled to devote an entire chapter to effectively dealing with guilt no matter what choice we make.

CNN: Men can often achieve having a family and a successful career. Should women strive for that kind of equality? Should there be more pressure on men to take equal responsibility in raising children?

ZAPPERT: The secret to men's achievements in having a family and a successful career is most often having a good wife. Well, we could all use one, but I'm not sure that is going to be an option for most of us. Barring the availability of a "good wife," outsourcing most non-child-care essentials can go a long way to lending some semblance of sanity to a professional work/life situation.

Additionally, inviting active participation from one's partner can encourage the kind of psychological responsibility for family concerns that can help sustain wellness for the entire family.