A new low in teen comedy

Review: 'Slackers' gets a big, fat 'F'

By Paul Tatara
CNN Reviewer

(CNN) -- "Slackers" is exactly the same teen comedy you've seen 50 or 100 times before, with various idiotic young adults passing gas, urinating, drinking, masturbating and trying desperately to have sex with the "hot girl."

But it's unique in one way: director Dewey Nicks' narrative incompetence.

The footage seems to have been tossed into the air and randomly reassembled when it hit the ground. And although the script contains moments of intentional surrealism, the most peculiar thing about "Slackers" is that it was released for public consumption.

Dave (Devon Sawa), Sam (Jason Segel), and Jeff (Michael C. Maronna) are best buddies who've done everything in their power to avoid getting a college education while attending a major university.

The first 15 minutes of the picture are devoted to Dave explaining the "clever" way that he and his friends cheat on a final exam. This sequence could have been handled in a 90-second montage, but you get the feeling that Nicks has to drag things out just to come up with enough footage to construct the semblance of a motion picture. You can't, after all, distribute a 20-minute movie.

Creepy characters

During the tainted exam, Dave notices a beautiful young coed named Angela (former model James King). He writes his phone number on his test paper and whispers to Angela that she should call him some time, which draws the ire of "Cool Ethan" (Jason Schwartzman), a psychotic undergrad who badly wants Angela for himself.

VIDEO Movie trailer for 'Slackers' Play video (QuickTime, Real or Windows Media)   RESOURCES EW.com: Review: 'Slackers'      MORE REVIEWS Van Wilder High Crimes Big Trouble Panic Room Blade II Ice Age Showtime Time Machine We Were Soldiers Queen of the Damned Dragonfly Iris John Q Big Fat Liar Collateral Damage Monster's Ball Slackers Birthday Girl Monte Cristo Mothman Orange County Charlotte Gray I Am Sam Gosford Park Black Hawk Down Ali Kate & Leopold Shipping News Jimmy Neutron Joe Somebody Beautiful Mind The Majestic The Lord of the Rings Lantana The Royal Tenenbaums Vanilla Sky No Man's Land Affair of the Necklace Enemy Lines In the Bedroom Spy Game Sidewalks Harry Potter Shallow Hal Man Who Wasn't There Heist Amelie Focus Domestic Disturbance Tape Monsters, Inc. Life As A House My First Mister K-Pax From Hell Riding in Cars Last Castle Mulholland Drive Bandits Serendipity Joy Ride Training Day Don't Say a Word Zoolander Hearts in Atlantis Glitter Liam The Glass House Hardball The Musketeer Rock Star O Bubble Boy Jade Scorpion Corelli's Mandolin Apocalypse Redux Now American Pie 2 The Others Osmosis Jones Ghost World Rush Hour 2 Jackpot Planet of the Apes America's Sweethearts Jurassic Park III Legally Blonde The Score SongCatcher Cats and Dogs Scary Movie 2 crazy/beautiful A.I. The Fast and the Furious Dr. Dolittle 2 Atlantis Tomb Raider Swordfish Evolution Worst That Could Happen? Pearl Harbor Angel Eyes Shrek Calle 54 A Knight's Tale Mummy Returns About Adam One Night at McCool's Town and Country The Claim Freddy Got Fingered Bridget Jones's Diary Joe Dirt Along Came a Spider Blow Tailor of Panama Someone Like You Heartbreakers Say It Isn't So Enemy at the Gates The Dish Blow Dry 15 Minutes The Caveman's Valentine The Mexican 3000 Miles to Graceland Monkeybone Sweet November Hannibal Shadow of the Vampire The Gift Snatch Chunhyang Finding Forrester O Brother, Where Art Thou Thirteen Days Before Night Falls Vatel The House of Mirth Traffic Malena An Everlasting Piece All the Pretty Horses Miss Congeniality The Family Man Cast Away Chocolat What Women Want Emperor's New Groove Crouching Tiger,  Hidden Dragon Proof of Life Vertical Limit Dungeons & Dragons Unbreakable Quills 102 Dalmatians Just Looking What's Cooking The 6th Day The Grinch Bounce Boesman and Lena A Room for Romeo Brass You Can Count on Me Men of Honor Red Planet Little Nicky Wonder Boys Legend of Bagger Vance Charlie's Angels George Washington Lucky Numbers Blair Witch 2 The Yards Pay It Forward Bedazzled Lost Souls The Contender Billy Elliot Dr. T and the Women Requiem for a Dream Meet the Parents CyberWorld 3D The Broken Hearts Club Girlfight Best in Show Beautiful Remember the Titans Into the Arms of Strangers Under Suspicion Woman on Top Dancer in the Dark Crime and Punishment in Suburbia Duets The Ballad of Ramblin' Jack Bait Almost Famous 'Went to Coney Island on a Mission from God ...Be Back by Five' The Watcher Nurse Betty Whipped Love and Sex Bring It On The Crew Art of War The Cell Original Kings Of Comedy Autumn in New York Tao of Steve Cecil B. Demented The Replacements Wonderland New Waterford Girl Hollow Man Space Cowboys Coyote Ugly Criminal Lovers Saving Grace Nutty Professor II What Lies Beneath Loser The Wisdom of Crocodiles Chuck & Buck X-Men But I'm a Cheerleader Blood Simple Scary Movie Disney's The Kid Trixie Rocky and Bullwinkle Sunshine The Perfect Storm The Patriot Me, Myself & Irene Chicken Run Boys and Girls Shaft Titan A.E. American Pimp Gone in 60 Seconds Passion of Mind Big Momma's House Mission: Impossible 2 Small Time Crooks East Is East Dinosaur Center Stage Battlefield Earth The Big Kahuna Virgin Suicides Gladiator Me Myself I Time Code Where the Heart Is Frequency 28 Days U-571 Joe Gould's Secret American Psycho Keeping the Faith Here on Earth Rules of Engagement Return to Me Romeo Must Die The Road to El Dorado The Ninth Gate Mifune Waking the Dead Beyond the Mat Erin Brockovich

Ethan is so far gone that he's built a shrine to Angela in his living room. He burns candles in front of assorted pictures of her, services himself while holding a doll he's made out of errant strands of her hair and watches secretly shot video footage of her strolling around campus.

Ethan's obsession is, of course, played for laughs.

His systematic stalking of the only female character who acts like a real human being unintentionally crosses over into outright ugliness, especially since Schwartzman seems more mean-spirited than comically immature. Imagine Max Fischer, the manipulative malcontent Schwartzman played in Wes Anderson's often brilliant "Rushmore," minus any redeeming heart. It's not enough to see Ethan humiliated for his inappropriate mania. He should be punched in the mouth and carted off to jail.

Indecent exposures

Ethan eventually blackmails Dave into helping him land Angela. Sam and Jeff are also implicated in his scheme, so now the Three Musketeers have to use their supposed wiliness to put Angela into what promises to be a very dangerous situation, even though Dave is in love with her.

The rest of the film consists of King being manipulated by just about everyone in the picture, with occasional forays into more self-abuse, oral sex and drinking. Gina Gershon and Cameron Diaz inexplicably make blink-and-you'll-miss-them cameo appearances. And Mamie Van Doren, the 71-year-old former Hollywood pinup, is also on hand to expose her enormous chest while receiving a sponge bath from Schwartzman. Don't bother blinking for that one; just close your eyes.

After a while, you feel bad for the cast members, many of whom have done decent work in other places. Laura Prepon, playing King's horny roommate, Reanna, is always enjoyable on "That '70s Show." King, although it's difficult to watch her try to cry, is so pleasantly demure that she even managed to rise above the bombast of "Pearl Harbor." And Segel, a real actor, was often close to fantastic as a socially awkward high-schooler on NBC's late, greatly lamented comedy, "Freaks and Geeks."

Schwartzman is who you have to worry about. If this is the best role he could land after "Rushmore," it may be time to rethink his comic persona, or at the very least, to tone it down until it's more palatable. No one should be forced to play "the hyperactive creepy guy" every time out of the gate, especially in such irredeemable rubbish.

If you just read the review, you already know what kids don't need to see in "Slackers." The closest this thing comes to real satire is when The Who's "Baba O'Riley" (as in "teen-age wasteland") is performed by an orchestra over the opening credits.